If she didn’t post a comment and if I didn’t get that notification, I would have never known that this was still active.

SO, what’s been up? It’s been 2 years? Since I last opened this and let me tell you, A LOT has happened.

1. SINGLEHOOD

Yes, I’m finally single. It’s been 6 months since the breakup and I think I’m doing pretty well. I’ve been doing pretty well SINCE day 1 actually. And yes, I’m a little  bit guilty for not feeling as bad as I should be since it WAS a three year relationship after all.

2. CHANGE OF WORK

Don’t get me wrong. I still work for the same company. Still make the same amount of money and i still have that flashy position title of “General Manager” it’s just that I now have 2 additional corporations under my belt. So running the legal and corporate side of 3 corporations IS a challenge. So as of this moment, I’m somewhat “re-inspired”

3. INDEPENDENCY

I’ve never really felt what it was to be independent. I’ve endlessly told myself that because I’m financially supporting myself, that ought to give the right to say “I am independent” but you’re never truly independent until you work on entirely everything by yourself. I wasn’t truly independent even if I had my own place because I used to spend all my time with my then-boyfriend. Work – boyfriend – work – boyfriend. An endless boring cycle. Then once it ended, it became work – colleagues – work – colleagues. And that’s because I was living with my bosses in the company house. Now, I’m out on my own. I have fully furnished condo to look after, bills to actually pay everymonth, support myself and do all house chores for myself. I’m trying to test and see how long i can actually last. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hope it can be this way until i get married. OR at least until i get a new boyfriend which is not a part my plan for now.

4. MORTAL SIN

I’ve done something unforgivable recently. Which I don’t feel comfortable sharing at this moment. BUT when I do finally decide on sharing it, I’d be sure to blog about it. I’ve always had been open about my experiences, hoping someone can actually learn from it and what I did, what i learned recently might actually help a few out there.

Let me tell you, there’s a lot going on. Not everything is worth sharing but everything is somehow intertwined. For now, this update would do. But you better keep coming back because I promise there would be lots to read soon.

Ciao ~

To me, 2 years is short, it’s not even close to always, what more forever..

I won’t promise you what is still to come..

But we’ll wait and see won’t we?

Together we’ll face what the future has instore for us..

But there are some things I can do..

I’ll be brave when you’re afraid, be there when you need me most, hold your hand so you won’t get lost..

I’ll comfort you when you’re hurt, and kiss away the pain..

I’ll wipe your tears and hold you tight..

Search for you when you stray, Miss you when you’re gone..

I would follow you to places we’ve never  been, no matter how far..

I’d cry with you, blow my nose with you..

Make you laught when you’re down, and smile when you frown..

I’d give you my heart but it’s already yours, i’d share you my body but it’s already yours, too..

I’d give you my life but that’s you..

I’ll do anything and you know it’s no lie..

I would sing to you, dance with you..

Reminisce with you all the years gone by..

Make you happy as best as I can..

Haven’t I done those things already?

Think of what it would be like in years to come..

I’m looking forward to tomorrow with you, when i’ll still be here love you..

Through the countless struggles, and the endless uncertainty we had to face, we came through..

Now we’re making up for the lost time, I want to make the best out of everyday we have..

No matter what happens, nothing can separate us from each other..

I’m so happy we’re together..

They can be attempts by the subconscious to review, remember, explore your deeper feelings about, or make sense of past events.

 They can also be part of the process of reconciling the past within yourself, including grieving, reaching closure, forgiving, coming to terms, letting go of, or reaching inner peace with your past.

Update: will post something on monday. I promise you, you will like it

Right now I am really pissed off. Ticked off. Upset. Disappointed.

TO WHOEVER YOU ARE:

I just want you to know that if I disappear from this company, this will not run the same way it’s been running for the past few months. I built this company from scratch, every policy, rule, every single detail I built with the wisdom God has given me, with many trials and errors, I (with my mentor and partner Myradel) BUILT THIS SUCCESSFUL CALLCENTER with minimal resources and manpower.

The effect of my absence in the long run will be irreversible, and things will be a mess. You cannot even imagine what kind of a mess it will be. Yes, I may be replaced and by that time, you will remember that you once had a boss as lenient as I was and you will never have one like me ever.

You abuse my leniency and you expect SO MUCH in return. for that you are a RETARD and you may go F*CK YOURSELF.

Your empty threats do not scare me, and I will not even cringe. For you do not know what you are doing and you do not deserve what you think you do. You can only see things from one angle, maybe becase that’s only what your small brain can handle. But I see things in different perspective. I see the bigger picture, and I pity you for saying what you said. I may be young, but I am not as immature as you are.

SO THERE. I am putting all my anger and hatred in this blog, and I am now at peace but before I end this, GO F*CK YOUSELF RETARD!

Yes my sweet darlings, I have quit smoking

I have been smoking non stop for exactly 6 years and 6 months, and I am now smoke-free.

I have to tell ya, making the decision itself wasn’t easy. Acting the part was most difficult.. More difficult that quitting those “other” vices I used to have.

It was a constant struggle, mind over matter I thought.. But the temptation was everywhere…

Everyone around me was smoking, that craving to smoke after a meal, that need to get your early dosage of nicotine every morning (because hey, you’ve been asleep for 8 hours, meaning no nicotine for 8 freakin hours)

Man, It was a constant struggle, i thought I couldn’t succeed.. And I knew that I had A LOT to lose if I didn’t.

Smoking was the reason behind every medical condition that I had. The peripheral vertigo, the hyperaciditiy… rawr.

So there. I had good times with ya, Malboro.. You will be missed.. I shall remember our bonding times together every night, and everytime I am stressed and sad..

No work on the 24th, 25th of December which is Thursday and Friday.. Meaning 4 days of NO WORK! YES!

No work on the 31st of December and 1st of January which is yet again, Thursday and Friday.. 4 days of stressfree holiday yet again! YAHOO!! =)

To add to that, I’m on leave next week. 2 days of friggin leave after 2 effin years of service. and again, 4 days of NO WORK! =)

Finally, something to look forward to.

I recall  my xmas eve & new year’s eve  last year….

xmas eve, i went over to Richard’s house, dead tired and he made that delish shrimp pasta. I just brought over chips, apple cider, cookies (something  i got in a xmas basket). After that, I fell asleep. Yup. Inconsiderate Hana, fell asleep on xmas eve.

New Year’s Eve, i had work that day and I went over to Richard’s house dead tired yet again. I fell asleep. I didn’t see any fireworks, we didn’t go to any party, we just stayed home… Watched T.V, I promised Rich to wake up before midnight but I slept through it all.

Richard definitely must’ve been disappointed, but those were the times when i worked double shifts, i worked on weekends, and barely had time for him or even myself.

But this year’s holiday will be so freakin AWESOME! I just know it!

I’m ecstatic about it, I may be struggling financially, but I’m dead sure that this year will be different. Richard and I will have a blast. And God will help us, finally have our time. Our quality time together, as a couple.. We’ve been together a year and a half, and we never really did have such quality time. We were too focused on our careers, I was too serious and addicted to my success and the success of this company.

But as I slow down a little bit, I know good things will come my way. This company is already successful. I will be here when needed, but as of this point in my life, after investing two long years into this company, I am investing time and <3 to myself and my better-half Richard

This feeling I have now, is pure bliss.

Can this get any better?

Perhaps it will.. =)

We’ll see

Done with the abuse. FYI: My shift is 2-11pm which is 9 hours of work. Gaddamit, I don’t even have a one hour f*ckin lunch break. But what did I do? I used to work double shifts, because we were lacked manpower (management) and I didn’t mind. I didn’t mind that I don’t get paid for those extra extra hours.

I have consistently come to work early –  an hour or three earlier than  my supposed shift starting May this year because hey, I can’t work 16 hours a day. I’m human. I can handle 10-12 hours. No fret. Or so I thought.

Finally, it’s taking it’s toll on me. Peripheral vertigo? Swollen knees and migraines? Temper tantrums and shitty ass attitude? Narcolepsy for gawd’s sake. For what? For a company who delays my freakin raise. Two friggin days of  leave after 2 long years of service. F*ck. NOT F*cking worth it.

IM DONE.

I’ll come to work alright, 2-11 p.m thats it. I’ll do the ‘almost’ impossible responsibilities you (upper management) cannot do. But here’s the thing. Anything that happens before my shift, I will NOT be liable for. Hire another General manager if you will. That’s up to you. I’ll see if you can hire someone like me. With the pay that you give me? Hmpf. Good luck with that.

Shame on you. You inconsiderate, loathesome, vicious people who take ME for granted.

You’re lucky i’m still here.

Or maybe I’m an idiot for still being here despite several broken promises. Over and Over and Over again.

Yes, I’m an Idiot.

*sigh*

Because I shouldn’t be, I do not think of you, I do not even wish to be with you.

We had our chance, we blew it, I ended it and you ended up in misery.

But that is not my problem.

Though there were times when I was concerned about you, I slowly came to realize, no one can change you but yourself. No one can save you  but yourself. The people around you can try, but in the end. It boils up to you making “THAT”decision.

It has been almost 2 years. In a few weeks, it will be 2 years since we’ve ended our (almost) half – a – decade relationship, and yet you still haunt me.

I have loved you, but we were young then, immature, dumb, irresponsible and happy-go-lucky.

Now I am still in love, just not with you.

What I wonder though is why I dream of you.

Consistently, I dream of you.

You are there in my dreams, night after night after night.

Then I came to realize, I never did explain well enough why I decided to end things.

I was never clear on why I left you.

There was never any closure.

Could that be the reason why?

Is that our unfinished business….?

What if we talk, and have our closure.

Will it end my dreams?

What if it doesn’t? Is there a meaning to it?

Or am I just over-reacting?

Leading on many tasks, I learned something great about better judgment.

Power tripping almost comes naturally for a young-aged professional like me. I was younger than anyone in the office and yet I got the highest position attainable by an employee. I started interviewing people for available slots in the office. Hey, I just have to get to know the person and see if he/she is fit for the job?! I was SO wrong. tsk. I let my emotions get in the way. I love meeting new people, I love chatting with them. If I got along with the interviewee, I’d train her as the latest addition to our team of teachers. I hired the wrong people one too many times and one year after, that’s when I finally learned to put up a system for hiring and not let my emotions get in the way. It’s not easy. First impressions aren’t always right. Just because a person is a good conversationalist don’t mean that person can be a good teacher. An applicant should be evaluated and assessed thoroughly before letting them pass on to the next stage of application.

I am responsible for the people I hire. Responsible for the quality of work and performance. Responsible for that person. Literally. If he/she fails, I have failed. Every single decision I make affects each employee in this company. Every wrong move, we all suffer the consequences. After much distress, I am slowly learning “better judgment”. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m moving forward. I still have a lot to learn, not only for myself but for the better of this whole company. It’s a burden at times but that sense of accomplishment achieved without hard work and devotion.

I seriously do not know how to end this post cause there’s just so much thoughts in my head that I cannot exactly put into words. YET. Soon, when i get better at this, perhaps I can share more. For now, this would have to do

Ciao~

-hana